The Dos and Don’ts of Being A Trans Friend, Family Member, and Ally
This list of Dos and Don’ts of Allyship was developed by a friend of mine, Milton Rinehart, and I have adapted and revised them to apply to being a friend, family member, or an ally of the trans community. I have used the term Cisgender in this list, and it means someone who is comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth. Cameron and I hope that both the cisgender and the trans community will add more to dos and don’ts to the list.
1. Do seek empathetic understanding of trans people and their experiences.
2. Do take the position of learner, but Don’t expect or require trans people to teach you though you may want and need them to.
3. Don’t assume you know what is right or best.
4. Do accept trans people’s feelings and perceptions as valid and legitimate though they are different than yours.
5. Don’t assume that trans people are always right and cisgender people are always wrong.
6. Do allow yourself to take risks though you may make mistakes. Keep in mind that trans people can be more tolerant of mistakes if they see sincerity and high integrity.
7. Do take an honest, candid, critical and non-defensive view of the cisgender (ie. Non-trans) community and honestly acknowledge the unjust and inhumane aspects of the cisgender community, but Don’t assume that everything about the cisgender community is bad.
8. Don’t dominate meetings, conversations, events, or other interactions with trans people.
9. Don’t assume that you know what it is like to live as a trans person, and Don’t become defensive when you encounter their strong feelings about being trans.
10. Do check out your assumptions and perceptions before judging people or situations.
11. Don’t assume that trans people are experts on trans gender issues and other issues of diversity.
12. Do use your voice and your privilege as a cisgender person to assist with needed social change, but Don’t speak for trans people.
13. Do offer assistance to trans people in their efforts to make social change, but Don’t feel rejected if your offer is not accepted.
14. Do talk about being a member of the cisgender community with other members and discuss the costs and benefits of structural inequality with other cisgender people.
15. Do find other friends, family members, and allies of trans people with whom to share your frustrations and ideas, and who can help you be honest with yourself.